NEW CONTEST.
ARE YOU FUNNY? ARE YOU FUNNY ENOUGH???
I have a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
I am collecting stories for an anthology…a collection of humorous short stories regarding your biggest
headaches (nemesis, annoyances, pet peeves, source of irritation, etc.) You will be given a byline (your name)
and space for your URL (website), or you can be anon. (say if you are chronicling someone you still have to live
with or who pays you. The thing is we all have buttons, some are walking button displays like the crazies who
wear every metal button they ever found. So, what, who (generic, no names please-I have my own list), when,
where does life give you a headache. Judge’s word is final for acceptance. Squeaky clean material only (We’re not
censoring you–feel free to write your own smutty little book. Just kidding, not really, of course, maybe…”I
know!”) Yes, one of my biggest headaches is a computer that adds space lines that don’t show up on drafts. Urrg!
RULES:
Please e-mail to Sally@BabyBoomer.com your humor piece, as a Word.doc atachment of NO more than 1000 words (ok, then a 1002). Essays, commentary, poems, lyrics, limericks and/or plays.
By July 31, 2008.
Theme: “Oy vey what a headache!” Funny stories of people, places or things that give me a headache (or a pain in the neck, or that stress me out)
Agreement: Your work must be your original ideas and writing, but may have been submitted elsewhere. I am asking for use in a book which I will have sponsored by my own company and which will be given away or sold. By submitting a story you are giving me rights to use, print and/or sell your story with the understanding that you will be given a byline and space for your URL in exchange for using your story. I will promote the book online.
OKay, Here is a contest…
Easter has slipped past us and would that I had slipped past all that chocolate ooy-ness without imbibbing.
CONTEST: Who has made their chocolate easter bunny last the longest? I think the prize will be a bag of jelly beans. I am serious. I have an old bag of jelly beans here somewhere!
And on that NOTE, Food editor Cara Emerson has written a little ditty:
“Ode to a Chocolate Rabbit”
Chocolate bunny on my shelf,
here are questions I ask myself:
As you stand so brown and still,
do you feel a lethal chill?
Do you know your tragic fate?
Do you know that you’ll be ate?
Or have I helped quiet your fears
by eating off both of your ears?
Everlasting Easter Rabbit,
every year I have the habit
of nibbling on your sugary parts
too quickly, then the nausea starts.
And yet, this year I find reprieve.
You’re not yet gone - I scarce believe
this year you lasted more than a day.
You’re still here and it’s almost May!
If I don’t eat you very soon,
you will be around ’til June.
Then you wouldn’t be my bunny.
In the summer, you’d get runny.
Then all I’d have is sweet brown sauce,
and deep inside, a sense of loss.
I would sit and sigh and dream
as I poured you on ice cream.
Please answer me, oh chocolate hare.
Why won’t you say why you’re still there?
Maybe you’re here because you’re sweet,
or maybe because I ate your feet.
It’s very hard to state your case
when you haven’t got a face.
If you had a brain, what would you think,
of how long it has taken you to shrink?
I think it really quite amazing
that on your form I have been grazing
day after day, and still you live.
You only had one life to give
To me, the professed Chocoholic
(in my stomach you can frolic).
This year I savor each and every bite
with nary a thought of cellulite
And yet, where does eating bunnies get us?
Shouldn’t we be eating lettuce?
My questions unanswered, I end this ballad
and turn my thoughts to some salad.
by C. Emerson
SAINT PATRICK’S DAY TRIVIA QUIZ ANSWERS (as gleaned from the Internet)
See Boomer Boutique for quiz!
1. He was born in Wales/actually Roman Britain at Bantan Venta Berniae (no mapquest).
2. He was a slave. Kidnapped as a boy from Wales, taken to Ireland to tend sheep and he escaped 6 years later and went on to study at the Seminary as had his father and grandfather. Apparently—bad pun—you could marry and serve God back then or they were very liberal with their open confessions of sin.
3. He moved to Ireland at age 60 as a missionary; having a call to go back to his captors and set them free with the saving knowledge of Jesus’ love. Guess the tending sheep thing got to be a habit. This was between 433-473 AD. Yes he lived to 120 years old. Pass the whiskey.
4. His Father’s name was Calpornius (I did not make that up.)
5. He rid (or nearly did) Ireland of Druids, yup those were the ‘snakes’. How can we be so sure? Because post glacier Ireland had no snakes. (Probably too cold to swim from the UK what with all the need for bear grease on, because, snakes are not really all that slimy are they?) But the ‘snake’ was a strong Druid symbol. Hmm, how did they know about snakes?
6. His real name was Maewyn. Patrick is his ‘church’ name given when he became a missionary.
7. His parents lived in Birdoswald, (which was likely near Birdowald Fort at Hadrian’s Wall) given the Roman occupation. (Otherwise the postman would have had a Dickens of a time deciding which Bird it was, how did we function before zip codes?)
8. The Shamrock teaches the Trinity…three entities, all equal, yet all one. Cults use 4-leaf clovers to add-in extra profits. (Oooo–that pun actually hurt me.)
9. The Wearing o’ the Green is for the Emerald Isle. It rains a lot there and is very green. It is also green because there is very little shade to blot out the sun (and make mud patches under the trees like in my yard). That’s due to the fact that the various armies who’ve marauded across this tiny land cut down the trees for construction and to build ships. I am happy to report they are re-foresting. However, now that the word is out on the Internet, no doubt some army will invade Ireland to harvest the wood in 30 years. They use peat moss logs for heating their cottages in the country–no wood, green island, lots of rain: best month to visit July 25th-26th.
10. You kiss the Blarney Stone to get the ‘gift of gab’. Legend has it that an old woman (and by old, I am assuming we mean close to 120 years) was drowning. The King of Blarney saved her. Thus, she put a spell on the castle wall so that if he should kiss the wall he would have pleasant words for her. (Of course if she was hoping he would say nice things such as you’re old, but you’re not a witch…well the spell thing kinda doesn’t look so good. Unless of course this was the origin of the good witch/bad witch, good cop/bad cop thing-a-ma-bob.) Nowadays every fool from hither and yon are held upside down by their ‘brogues ‘ (using all the new words that I can) to kiss the stone wall that remains (and no doubt to shake loose change from their pockets in the rare chance the pubs hadn’t gotten all of it first). I think it’s a bit of malarkey and phoney-baloney myself!
Did you know that there are 37 million Irish people in the US and only 6 million in Ireland?
(What would they do if they ever had a giant reunion of everyone whose name started with O’? Would it sink the island? I got stuck in traffic for 2 hours near a horse track once while in Galway which is north of Limerick. In fact…
There once was a man named O’Hara
His had a face that would scare ya
His friends called him Mugsy,
He had a shillelagh that was bugged, see
And to your death, his breath could carry ya.
OKAY THE GAME IS ON:
CALLING ALL (clean) LIMERICK WRITERS! ( I know you can do better than this one!)
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The Menopause Readiness Quiz Mark T (True) or F (False)
1. You find yourself crying in a hallmark store because the bunnies are so cute.
2. You find yourself laughing uncontrollably in the same store, before you even read the cards.
3. The age you try to pass for means you would be carrying your son while in your mother’s womb.
4. You use Heads and Shoulders as an all over body treatment.
5. You resent your husband for a week if he eats the piece of pie you were hoarding.
6. PMS lasts all month long, as do the cravings and cramps.
7. You wonder if Johnny Depp likes older women, much older women.
8. Your criteria list for dates has gotten down to opposable thumbs and 4 chambered hearts.
9. Your agent for your car insurance is one of your 5 ‘friends’ in your cell phone.
10. You’re paranoid…think of all the people who know where you live.
11. You’re depressed. Think of all the people who know where you live, but they never visit.
12. The only thing between your boobs these days is your belt buckle.
13. The waiter gives you half price on the crab salad. Professional courtesy.
14. You finally understand all those jokes about milkmen and delivery boys.
You are well on your way to a full-out matronly-metamorphosis if you marked True for 7 or higher. But cheer-up! Your male counter-parts are losing testosterone faster than an old VW leaks oil. They will become grumpy, surly and arrogant. Needless to say, spotting a change in symptoms is tricky indeed. They will lose hair, you will gain whiskers. “What a world, what a world.”
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